We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
he thought i was a dude.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
