Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
