remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
