it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
