YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
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Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
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This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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