Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
