i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
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