but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
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