i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
We're too hungover to prance.
you never un-have a 4some
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
