I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
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No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
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I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.