I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??