Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
