maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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