she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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