Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
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