my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Who wears a wallet chain?!
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
