I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
