Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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