I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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