guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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