I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
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Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
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THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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