I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
