Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Randomize
