She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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