I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
do nipples grow back?
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
