Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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