you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
