So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
