I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
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