how hairy? two words: wookie tits
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
