did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
