He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
