I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
