did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
