Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
