My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
