she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
