I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
She's the barista slut.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
