Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
