Christians are straight up FREAKS
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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