she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Randomize
