I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i think i have herpe
just one?
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
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