All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
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Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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