Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
