I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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