So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
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