so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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