Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
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