Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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