I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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