I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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