Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
