sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
